It’s 4am and I’m weeping because I can’t hear The Lord through any of this.
I’m waking up almost every night thinking that I’m being raped again;
In the night, the flashbacks are hourly.
Every time I wake up, he’s on top of me, inside of me, all around me.
Every time I wake up, he’s stealing me all over again.
He says he’ll carry me through, but it’s been almost a year, and I’ve hardly heard His voice.
I’m growing so weary in the waiting,
I’m so tired of having to wait for You to come through for me.
11 months, and I’m still drowning.
This is a slow and painful death, and both of you are watching and waiting.
You’ve taken advantage of me and left me, just like he did.
How can I trust You?
How can I trust Your Word telling me that You’re the great deliverer, redeemer, and healer, when I’m laying here at 4am weeping in my bed a broken mess, suffering 19 years worth of bottled up pain and emotions that You have yet to touch?
You want me to let You in, but I can’t let You in when You allowed him to rape me in the first place.
I can’t trust my rapist, and You allowed that, so how do You expect me to trust You?
This is where I draw the line.
I need an end to rape culture, because when the police found me, age 13, broken and bruised, sleeping in a store doorway, and I finally broke and told them I was being sexually exploited by my step-father who was raping and torturing me, whilst selling me to other men to do the same, I was asked repeatedly what I was wearing, how many boyfriends I had, whether I was attracted to my 65 year old step-dad at the age of 10. I was made out to be a manipulative whore, the 10 year old who was raped.